Being comfortable with the uncomfortable
Most of my life I felt like an outsider, as if I could never really relate to anybody. Growing up in a Korean American household might have had something to do with it, maybe not…To be honest I never really felt like I fit in.
So naturally I found myself attracted to sub-cultures that were beyond the norm, wherever I went.
I was always on the “outside” and in a way it felt cool, but inside I still felt “different”. It sucked in a way and I suffered.
But I came to the conclusion that that was who I was and even a Vedic Astrologer once explained that I would always feel this way! Well that gave me some peace at least and made it easier to accept, ha!
BUT, along my spiritual path and this journey called life, the veils of “illusion” that we live in has been revealing itself yet another layer. The universe has been teaching me that the moment we come to one conclusion, that thought will dissolve into another…Events and things that happen in our lives are but a thread that links us to the next thing that is to occur in our lives…
Acceptance of what is and trusting the process of life have played huge themes in my life, and it’s made it easier to make peace with this longing to belong. The more connected I am with Self, the more I am able to see that reflection of divine beauty in all beings, as is it is in me. And essentially, I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, and I’m learning to be feel comfortable with that. I’m learning be kind to myself and allow myself to let go of the judging and comparing that can overwhelm me.
It took me many boyfriends to realize that as much as they loved me, I couldn’t love them back, in fact I used to be really cold and mean to them for loving me! It was really sad…and then I noticed this pattern that was blocking me from living in the light, that got me towards the path of acceptance and love. I mean, how could I accept, express, or feel something I knew nothing of. I grew up in a household where there was a lot of disharmony and not a lot of love or affection. Thank God for my father who was present with us as much as he could. My mother was checked out most of the time and her idea of love was providing for us with food and cleaning. I realize now she herself probably never experienced love herself…
Overall, I have been blessed by beautiful and loving people in my life, they are a constant reminder of the divine beauty that dwells within me. And in every moment that I am in-joy, I know that it’s sort of a landmark, showing me how much love is available.
SELF CARE
The process of self care has changed my life…each time I receive a massage or acupuncture or do something good to myself, its a way of letting my sub conscious know that I love myself and am worth it. It feels good. It’s been a process and a never ending one I’m sure, but it feels good to love:) I trust that and pray that you will see it in yourself too. It seems far at at times, but it’s always there. Keep planting the seeds of love, gratitude, and joy, and get out the way!! You will be surprised at what you can experience, if you only allow!
Blessings and In-Joy and in LOVE!
Jenny
Thanks Jenny for sharing these thoughts because i can relate to most things that you mentioned. I feel like nobody in my family understand me and i can hardly share any of my thoughts/interests with my family members. This is also true with most people that i come in contact with. Vietnamese culture sounds like Korean culture in the sense that people are not encouraged to show affection to each other publicly. Your feeling about your mom ‘idea of love was providing for us with food and cleaning’ sounds just like what i see in mine. My dad was someone that i could share my thoughts with but unfortunately i did not get to live with him for long. Luckily my nature is more introverted and i have so many interests that i can occupy myself with so i am kinda feel ok if i can’t relate to people. But i also love to share my experience with others when the occasion arises. I agree with you about ‘ it’s ok to feel uncomfortable’ and actually i realize that i learn more about myself and others when i am in an ‘uncomfortable’ situation so i often like to venture out of my comfort zone to i could be more open minded about what lies ahead. What i’ve learned from my study with spiritual teachers/books is to how to know and be content with who i am, be non-judgmental, non-critical, and compassionate toward other beings. Nature is a great source of healing power that i love to be in touch with to get myself in balance. And yes, we are all beautiful to begin with but in the process of living we take on habitual thoughts/practices that tend to cloud our true nature so i find that meditation also helps me tremendously in the journey to find, be with myself, and be happy.
Namaste
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story! Glad that I could be a reflection for you and love hearing about your journey…you have great wisdom, so grateful to know you!!! Love you!